I do not intend to let you know how I feel. But it seemed more painful every time it hits me. If only I have the guts to just go straight to you and let it all out. Only that something tells me it isn’t the right thing to do. So, I am waiting patiently to that very day I can finally make you realize that this is not just ordinary; that this is not just passing; that you are not just one person I look forward to seeing any minute of the day. This one is real thing. It’s not some kiddie stuff or teeny weeny feeling. I always wanted to be part of you; to be one of the reasons of your existence; to be that big part of your waking up – just to be there and be the first smile you see each day. I wanted to be the one who holds your hands when you think the world is getting tougher; the listening ear to your woes and stress. I want to be the last smile you see in the evening for you to have a good night sleep. I want to be the one to walk with you and help you see the wonders all around you. I want to be the one who will pick you up when you fall. I want to be the one who tells you and helps you make things a little clearer when you can find that everything is blurry and misunderstood.
I just want to be there; that one person who is willing to be part of your ups and downs, success and failures. I know it’s a bit hard to grasp, but I am willing to embrace whatever comes our way.
The only thing that is missing is to make you see it all. Really, it’s getting harder each day and I am falling all the way. If only I could find a way to stop all these. But I can’t find any. You are at a distance. That’s where I’ll just have to stay… At a distance… For now…
April 30, 2014
Obviously, I’m not in the mood. Should I say I hate this family for not even trying to listen to me for once? Or should I just keep my mouth shut? Should I even tell them how I feel? They don’t really listen, and they never will. In their eyes, I’m always at fault; that I never do something good; that I am always wrong; that I will never be right. Not ever. From my dad, to mom, to sisters and brothers; I have been a mistake. I think my being born is even a mistake. I’ve never been good in their eyes. Just because I don’t work and don’t give them money monthly, I am always wrong for them. Is it really hard to understand that I don’t want to work the same job because I don’t want to get sick again; that I don’t have the same endurance as before; that I am not that strong anymore?
They complain that I didn’t finish my college, that I should have been a lawyer now. How would I ever finish if every time I get home I hear them complain about me asking for my weekly allowance; I ask for it on a Monday, I receive it on a Thursday. They never even asked how I ever survived the rest of the days that I don’t have money. They complained about me going back to school after completing my vocational course. They complain about me; I think they complained about my existence.
I have been trying my best to be positive all the time. I shrug all the negatives just to keep myself from falling. But the people around me are just so full of negative vibes. I think I need to leave, for the second time. And maybe for the last time. Living alone I think is what’s best for me. They don’t see me as I am; they see me as a burden all these years. That’s how I feel all along.
I want to live my passion – writing and crafts. I have been looking for work – even if I don’t feel it that much. Just to have something to share financially. But work has always been elusive. I believe this is happening for me to follow what my heart has been saying all this time. Live my passion.
I’m supposed to be in control of my life. I’m making decisions but every time I do I always think about them; if it’s favourable to anyone. But they always see it as selfish decisions. What should I do? Why do I have to suffer this way? Am tired of this. I’m fed up and I want to escape even for a little while.
I am an introvert. But it doesn’t mean I don’t socialize. I do, but only with chosen friends. I keep real friends but I mingle with those who are just my acquaintances. I am not that aloof. I can even speak in front of a crowd. I am a lecturer to my organization. I love what I do, I love sharing my thoughts and I love talking. I am just so picky with friends. But my family see it as someone so inadequate; someone who is not useful; a burden. I can’t change the way they see me. I don’t have to change myself. I am me, and I will stay this way. I may change, but I will change for my good and not for what they want me to be.
What’s in me that they keep on complaining about? Is it because I am so good at showing how I feel? At telling what I feel? Is it because I am so open minded? Is it because I don’t just keep myself shut at all times? Is it because I observe and I speak my mind? Is it because my being tactless is hurting their ego because I tell them what I have observed?
I don’t think I have a very strong personality. I am weak and strong but I am not that strong all the time. I am just choosing what I have to choose. I don’t always have to think about them, right?
I can be selfish. I don’t have to think about them all the time. It’s never a sin, I guess. Pride, it’s never wrong to have that sometimes. I don’t think it’s even good to let people trample on you most of the time. Being, sarcastic and arrogant is necessary. Survival of the fittest, that’s what’s going to let you live.
Financial wealth is not what I have been yearning all my life. I don’t want to live feeling unsafe and unsecured. I only want a life where happiness dwells in my home, where laughter fills up the corners of my house, where my house is full of vibrant colours and smiles are all around.
My family values money more than laughter and happiness. They wanted it more than real friends. They wanted money more than the smiles of the people around them. They value the social norms and status instead of how a person would feel. They don’t see my point. They don’t see it now. I don’t think they ever will.
I will live my life the way I want it to be. I don’t have to follow what they want. I can decide on my own. I have my own heart and mind. I won’t let them control me. This is my life. I will live it whether they like it or not. My life, my rules, my needs, my wants.
My parents just came home from their vacation in Singapore. I knew my ma will surely be asking how much money left with the budget she gave me. It was a little over three thousand pesos and the budget was good for almost 20 days. Now, the hard part is, she was wondering what happened to the money? Why only almost a hundred is in my hand? So, what really happened…
Today’s food is undeniably costly, not to mention gasoline, and even a piece of candy. Here in my hometown, if you want to eat a hearty meal, you have to spend over a hundred – and that’s one meal alone. Small fish costs 80 pesos per kilo and that changes by day. Fresh ones are 120 pesos, that’s just the ordinary fish. Rice costs 44-46 pesos a kilo if you want the best variant; cooking oil is 35-40 pesos a pack; and the list goes on and on.
For more than two weeks we’ve been eating fish, just to never go over our budget. But sometimes hungry tummies need to be fed. So, once in a while I buy bread, and carenderia food (cheap restaurants). Alright, that’s just food alone.
We have a house help we send to school and everyday for two weeks she goes to school (weekends excluded) and we give her 30 pesos a day. So, how much is subtracted from the three thousand now? Then, two of my nephews accompany us every night while my parents are away, and they, too, go to school. I give them 10 pesos each, for two weeks. Now, do you get it? Oh, mother!
I don’t know if I still have to mention those extra expenses. My mother have never gone to the market for over 30 years, and she doesn’t exactly know the prices by heart. She complains every time I get home from the market (we go to the market everyday, by the way; everything is fresh everyday). I have stayed in the city for seven years and the prices don’t shock me at all. My ma thinks the prices ever since the world began stays the same. Good grief! She listens to the news everyday and now I wonder if she listens intently at all.
Every time she complains I roll my eyes. The conversation is the same every day. Oh, well. That’s life. I am jobless so I get all the rants. Haha! And my pa does the same. They are really meant to be. tsk tsk!